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And then… God said.. NO?!


5 years

10 medicated cycles

150 ovulation tests

50 OB appointments

A specialist

3 more medicated cycles

4 IUI’s

1 IVF

1 egg retrieval

11 eggs

8 mature

6 fertilized

2 made to blast and frozen

2 frozen embryo transfers

Multiple blood draws

More ultrasounds than is comfortable to say

More medications than I can count

175+ pregnancy tests

4 miscarriages

More tears than I can count

More heartbreak than I can count

More than $20,000

=

GOD SAID NO

This is going to be a long one… so I want you to go ahead and get comfy… grab your coffee- maybe some Kleenex… and settle in for OUR story of God saying… NO

This whole story starts almost six years ago. We got married- decided to spend some time just the two of us, and then start a family. We had been married for 3 years, and my husband looked at me one day and said… “I think its time”. Of course, I agreed- and we got to it (no pun intended). I have a family history of fertility issues, so I knew that this was likely not going to be easy. We tried on our own for 2 years, and with no success decided we should seek help from my OBGYN. Several tests and procedures later- I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Basically- my hormones are all jacked up, and my body doesn’t know how to act like it should. Because of this- I was told that we were going to need some help getting pregnant. We started with a clomid cycle (an oral medication that encourages your body to ovulate). We did this for about 6 months- before we got pregnant! I was so excited. Before we were able to really let it sink in- that we were going to have a baby, I found out that we had had an early miscarriage. I was devastated- but willing to continue this journey… so we took 1 month off and got back to it.

Went back on clomid and did several more cycles of this before we found out that we were pregnant again!!

We were excited, but cautious because we had been through this before and it hadn’t turned out as we had hoped. I called the doctor, they did blood work and found out that this one was indeed a sticky one- and my numbers were doubling as expected! We had plans to go to the beach that weekend and were so excited. We stopped and got a baby name book on the way, and decided we were going to use this weekend to celebrate. I had told my sister- and she was so excited. I had big plans to tell my mom and step dad at my birthday dinner later that week. We had some shirts for my nephews and they walked in wearing them.  My mom’s face was priceless. It was that… excited but terrified look. 

The week went on, and I got together with my best friend. She had also been going through some fertility issues and had had a couple of miscarriages. We had met for breakfast, and I was so nervous to tell her that we were having a baby. But, I did…. And then she popped out her phone- and showed me her positive test as well! This was like a dream come true! Being pregnant with your best friend at the same time! We had due dates within 3 weeks of each other, and we were both cautiously optimistic. The next week both of us started having problems. She was at the doctor,and found out that they weren’t sure her pregnancy was viable… at the same time I was having some odd things happen as well, and had had more blood work drawn. This blood work showed- that we had lost our baby. We were both devastated. The doctor had called to tell me that my blood work wasn’t good- but to come in in a couple of days to get an ultrasound to see what needed to be done….. telling someone that you “might” have lost your baby- but come in in a couple days… just wasn’t working for me. My friend just happened to be at the doctor around the same time I had been given this news- and I text her… she called me and I was hysterical. I was still at work at this point in time…. I had gotten a hold of my husband but it was going to take a bit for him to get there to get me. My friend ended up showing up at my work, and driving me to the doctor. We were in the parking lot and I called and had planned to tell them SOMEBODY needed to see me today… because I couldn’t wait “a couple days”. The office was “at lunch” and I had an option to wait… or to talk to the person on call. Well…. I can tell you that I wasn’t in my right mind- and I clicked the button to talk to the person on call. Thankfully a sweet midwife called me back. She understood my distraught behavior, and told me to come in in 30 minutes, and she would see me herself. My best friend sat with me until my husband arrived. We cried more tears in that car, than I think either of us want to admit. We went into the appointment, had an ultrasound- and saw this sweet midwife. She showed me all of the pictures, and went on to say that we had indeed lost our baby. She told me what to expect and sent us home. The next few days were brutal….but my husband was with me through all of it and was so supportive.

After this, we took some time away from trying to have a baby. My heart needed to heal, as did my husbands and I was so bitter at God and everyone around me that I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was through this process that I got so angry- I stopped talking to God- and this went on for several months. Every time I would see a pregnancy announcement I would get even more angry. Every time I would see a baby in public- I would get angry. I was so mad at the world, because in my mind… if I couldn’t have a baby… no body else should be able to either. A few months later, something in my heart started to soften. I found out that out of our little circle of six friends- FOUR of us… had been suffering with some of the same issues for quite some time. We were just terrified to talk about it or tell anybody. It was through this- that I knew that God put us together for a reason. We were able to lean on each other, cry and complain to each other- and really feel supported in a situation when it felt like the rest of the world didn’t understand.

When we finally decided to start trying again, we went back to my OB and tried 2 more cycles with clomid. When those two cycles landed us without a baby in our arms…. We decided it was time to get a second opinion. My OB had been asking me if we wanted a second opinion for months- but I was too afraid to get one. A lot of people would look at me and make comments such as “well if you would loose some weight, this probably wouldn’t be a problem.” My OB never said this to me, and when I laid my heart out to her- and told her how terrified I was that the physician wouldn’t even see me… she said “that is NOT going to happen. I know there is a stereotype for people who are over weight, but what these people don’t understand is that is more than just weight. It’s a hormone imbalance, its something that you can’t do anything about. These specialists are used to seeing patients in your exact situation and they are going to know exactly what to say/do. If for some reason they are mean or rude about this… I will call them myself.”  I left that appointment excited for the first time in several months. I had agreed to get a second opinion- and we were on our way to the family we so desperately wanted.

We waited two months for the appointment with the specialist. I was terrified walking in the door that the doctor was just going to tell me that I was insane for even trying this and that he wasn’t going to help me. When I walked into the office- it started with a super nice nurse. She could tell that I was terrified, and she spent a little extra time with me and calmed me down a little. We walked into the doctors office and he was like a little grandpa…. He was so warm and inviting. I immediately felt at ease. He had looked through all of our records, and stated that he felt our problem was PCOS and potentially a male factor issue as well. We went through several more tests at the specialist and then it was recommended that we try another medicate cycle- but this time with letrozole (a newer medication that encourages the body to ovulate). We did this for 2 cycles- and had no luck. We then moved on to the “bigger guns” and started gonal F injections (an injection taken daily that assists with follicle growth). 

We did this for 2 more cycles- and then had another appointment with the MD.

 That anxiety that I had felt with the first appointment, came back ten fold with this appointment. Our previous little grandpa doctor had retired- and we were going to have to see someone different.  We walked in and again- the doctor was so inviting. Put my nerves at ease and helped me to really understand what was going on. He explained that my PCOS was more severe than they had originally thought- and he felt that our next option would be IUI (intrauterine insemination). He felt we would have success with this, and encouraged us to move forward. So- we did. And 4 cycles later- we were still right where we were before….. broken, empty, childless, and feeling inadequate.

We had another appointment with the doctor a few months later, where he said that after looking over some new tests they had completed- it seemed my PCOS was on the more severe side. He said that some people with PCOS were able to just get a little boost with some meds, and that was all they needed to start their family. However, some people had a really hard time- and we were one of those people. Throughout this hour long appointment, he drew pictures for us and explained everything down to a T. He explained that we had exhausted all of our other treatments options and he felt our next step would be for IVF.

This was a huge decision for us, mostly because it was a lot of money and we had not had any luck with prior treatments- so what was to say this would work too? So we took a little time, and we prayed about it. If you will notice… throughout the first part of this story- there was not a lot of praying, or looking to God. That was because- we thought we had it handled. Sure, we had “thought” that we were following God’s plan… but we had not specifically asked and prayed about this, we had just assumed that since things were working out in the right direction, without any major hiccups that this was the path he wanted us on. It wasn’t until this new plan was put in place that we decided to truly pray about it, and ensure this was what God has in place for us.

The biggest aspect was the money. We were looking at at least $13,000 out of pocket- and that was not something we just had laying around. Cody had been working on his SSD through the state for about 20 months- and it was also during this time that he was approved and we found out that he would be getting some back pay. This back pay- was almost the exact amount that we needed for our IVF. For us, that was a HUGE push in the right direction. I felt that God had given us these means and he was in this! So, we moved forward with IVF.

This started with some high powered medications that made me slightly crazy (if you as Cody, it was much more than slightly). We were told that people with PCOS often produce more eggs than those who not having enough was never on our list. The day before my egg retrieval- we were told that on ultrasound it showed I had 26 eggs.

They said to expect 1/3 of those to actually make it to freezing, so we were happy with that number. However- the next day at egg retrieval, we found out they were only able to get 11 eggs. This was less than half of what they had originally told us! When I was awoken from anesthesia and told that they only retrieved 11 eggs- I was once again broken and devastated. It took me a bit to realize that while 11 was a low number…. Even if 1/3 of those made it to be frozen we would still have 1-3 embryo’s to freeze. After some intense encouragement from my husband- I began to realize that this WOULD be ok. We ended up having 8 of the 11 eggs that were mature. Out of those 8- 6 of them fertilized. And out of those 6…. Only 2 made it to blasts to be frozen. No only did we only have 2, but they were “moderate quality”. One was definitely better than the other, and I was hopeful that at least one of these would make it!

Our first frozen embryo transfer was about six weeks later. This was a simple procedure,

and we were excited to have it done. However as most any woman who has had to endure the two week wait can tell you…. Those 2 weeks were torture. It is not abnormal for me to be an anxious person…. I have been known to stress and have intense anxiety over the simplest things. This two week wait, was torture- for both myself and my husband. There were days when I couldn’t leave my room because my anxiety was so high. I couldn’t do anything to make it better. The only thing I could do- was POAS (pee on a stick)- multiple times daily just to see what it said. I started a 3 days post transfer (which anybody who has been through this knows…. That this is WAY too early…. but there was no stopping me). I had also gotten onto these IVF support groups, and all of these people on their were telling me… “I got my positive on day 4!”, or “I got my positive on day 3”. So…. On day 3 when I had a stark negative test…. I was crushed. I continued this process daily (sometimes twice daily) for the next 2 weeks. On day 8- we got a very faint positive on our home test. I was cautiously optimistic… and continued to take tests day after day. It got darker the next day, and again the day after.

I was for sure this was it! Our little emby had stuck, and we were finally going to get our miracle. On day 11… when the 2nd line on our home test disappeared….. I was again devastated. I had to wait 2 more days for a blood test to confirm, and by that time I had already driven myself crazy.

I decided that I was going to go to work and wait on them to call me with the results from my blood test. When they called at about 11am…. And told me verbally that it was negative….. I was strong for about 2.5 seconds. And as soon as I got off the phone I lost it. I gathered myself together, texted my husband to tell him that the test was indeed negative…. And was going to get back to work. The first person that asked me if I was “ok”…. Was the first person who endured the wrath of my breakdown.

 Not long after that, I was escorted to my car by two of my really good friends… who cried in the parking lot with me, and told me it was going to be ok….I came home… went to bed and didn’t get up for about 48 hours. I was mad at myself, mad at the doctor, mad at God. I was mad at everyone. Nobody could say anything that was going to make it better.

For about the next- 3 months, I refused to go to church. I came up with excuses not to go. When I did go… I just sat there praying it would be over soon. I was so angry. I was mostly angry at God, because how could he continue to let this happen. Time and time again- how could he allow this to happen. Did he hate me so much…. That he wanted me to be barren my whole life? Had I disappointed him so much… that I didn’t deserve a child. If this God…. The God who is supposed to answer prayers- kept making me so miserable then I didn’t want anything to do with him.

After about 3 months- I deemed an end to my pity party. I decided that being angry at God was not really helping anything. I asked Cody if he would make a meeting with one of our assistant pastors and friends… because I needed to know WHY God was making my world so miserable. So we met at El Paso (because come on… where else in Hendo would you meet?)… and he listened to my woes, my anger- and he never once judged me. Instead…. He told me it was OK to be angry with God. It was OK to be in the dumps…. And it was OK to have the feelings I was having…. However…. It was not OK to not talk to God about it. I have to be honest here- when he said I needed to tell God how angry I was…. And how I didn’t understand why or how he was doing this to me…. I thought he was crazy. Like why would this almighty God- who already knows everything…. Need me to tell him I was angry with him.

I went home an contemplated this…. And decided… nothing else had been working so I was just going to have it out with God. I was going to tell exactly what I thought and felt, and I was going to see what happened. So- me and God had a come to Jesus meeting (ha…. No pun intended)….. And let me tell you something I Never thought would happen…. As soon as I started talking to God about all of this… he created a peace in my heart. I started wanting to go to church, and wanting to know this God who had made me so miserable for so long. So…. I picked up my big girl panties and decided I was going to do something about it.

It was about this time- that we also decided that we needed to transfer our 2nd embryo before my medication went out of date. I hated the idea of letting medicine go to waste- especially when we had paid so much for it- so after praying about it, my husband and I decided we would do our second embryo transfer in September. The cool think with embryo transfers, is that you can pretty much pick what day you want it done… so I had a long weekend off from work the weekend of my birthday and we decided, why not do it then? So we called the doctors office and scheduled our follow up to talk about our second embryo transfer.

More medications- except we had to track downthe fedex driver for these 

Going into this appointment I had a list of questions. I wanted to know what I had done wrong the first time, that made it not work. I wanted to know everything I could do to make it better this time. I wanted to take every precaution necessary because this was our LAST emby…. And if this didn’t work, we really weren’t sure what we would do. During this appointment… this doctor told me “you did absolutely nothing wrong before, and there is absolutely nothing you can do differently. We don’t know why these things happen- but everything looked and acted perfectly…. You did NOTHING wrong.” Hearing him say that…. Was a relief to my system. I needed to hear him say that. Anyone who has gone through any type of infertility- can probably attest to the fact that…. When it doesn’t work- you feel responsible. So having the physician tell me that it wasn’t my fault…. Was so helpful. He also told us that our second emby was a “moderate embryo”- meaning that it was graded slightly low, and had a less than optimal chance of actually working. He just wanted us to be prepared- but also stated that grading doesn’t mean much as he has had embryo’s that looked and graded worse turn out as perfectly healthy babies.

So- we left that appointment, paid our additional money for our second transfer- and got everything scheduled. At this point we had about 2 months until our next transfer. I had been consistent with talking to God daily- and reading a devotion daily- and was feeling so much better about this life I was living than I did before. I felt that God was telling me- that I needed to loose 20 lbs before this next embryo transfer- and it was about this same time that my husband said he had been feeling the same way. So- we went keto! And… we loved it. I dropped right at almost 20 lbs- and he had lost 15. We were feeling better about life in general and I was actually excited about this next transfer.

The weeks leading up to the next transfer- God placed SO many people in my life to lead and encourage me. I made a new friend- who listened to me and prayed with me and for me- and I am forever grateful for her. I also grew closer with an old friend- and started meeting her once weekly- working through a book on how God wanted us to be happy. Everything was lining up! I started a prayer journal- I felt SO close to God. I was crying out to God daily- and begging him to just help me get through this season. I read several things about how you are to pray SPECIFICALLY for what your needs and wants are, and God will answer those needs. So that’s what I began to do. I began to ask God specifically for a baby. Specifically that this embryo would grow and develop, and that God would grant me the desires of my heart. At this point in my life, I was also at a point where I knew I needed to be realistic. So I began asking God to prepare my heart for whatever plan he had in

place. I began asking him to give me a peace that only HE could give- and to please help me through this time. I felt God telling me, that I needed to get my friends to pray with me as well. So- I contacted my close circle of friends- and asked them to pray with and for me as well. It was their idea to get together the night before and pray about this little emby- and so that’s what I did. We got together and had dinner- and then they literally laid hands on me and prayed- they prayed that God would give us this baby, and that God would give me a peace, and that God would take my anxiety away, we prayed that God would make this embryo good quality, that he would have his hand in this and would improve the quality of the embryo. It was truly one of the best nights of my life, having my friends and God in one place at one time.

So, the next day we went in for our next transfer. Cody and I prayed before we got out of the car. Prayed that whatever God’s will- that he would make it happen- but that He would also prepare our heart and minds for whatever this plan may

be. We walked in, much more calm than the previous time- maybe it was because we knew what to expect….. but I know it was because God had his hand in this. I had done everything he had asked of me, and I knew he was going to give us our hearts desires- and if he didn’t I knew he would prepare our heart for the outcome. As soon as we met with the embryologist- she showed us the picture of our embryo, and I knew immediately that this embryo looked much better than the previous one. The embryologist told us “when this embryo was originally graded it was a 2BC- which is not that great. However, after it has been thawed- it has matured so much and it is now graded as a 2AA.”

Emby 1 and Emby 2

I looked at the lady in shock- she said “we don’t see this often, but it does happen.” I looked right at her, and I

said….. “you don’t know how much we have prayed for this”…. I just had tears in my eyes as she looked at me and said “well honey, your prayers worked!” We hadn’t even transferred our emby yet, and God was already answering our prayers!

After our emby was transferred, we spent the rest of that weekend just relaxing. I was so happy, because I was physically seeing God answer my prayers- and I was so excited for God to show me what was next in my life. Over the next two weeks, I continued to pray that God would prepare my heart and mind for whatever outcome he had. I had swore to myself I was going to wait at least 7 days before POAS. I can tell you that at day 5- I gave in and took a test (Hey…. That was better than day 3!)…. Every test I took during this two week wait…. Was negative. Not just negative… but STARK negative. Not even a squinter. Not only this…. 

But during this time, God started placing things in my path that told me to “still have hope in the dark”….. that “even during rough times, He is still there.”….. that “God remains sovereign even in the worst of times”…. That “He knows what he is doing, His plan is greater than mine, and He will always have me in his hands”….. Everything that God put in my life during these two weeks- was pointing me to a heart break.

 However, God was preparing my heart for that break. He was preparing me in advance for that anger that I had had for months in the past. He was preparing my heart, to know that even when God doesn’t answer our prayers…. Even when he says NO….. it doesn’t mean he has left us…. It doesn’t mean He has guided me astray…. It STILL means…. That he will leave the 99 to find ME.

So- today….. when I got the call…. That we had again lost this precious life as well….. I was upset, dissappointed and in tears…. But I can tell you what I am not….. I am not…. Lost, angry, anxious, worried, hopeless, distraught. I know that God is a way maker…. And a chain breaker… .and that HIS plan is far greater than what I had in mind.

So what do we do from here? Do we give up on having our own child? Do we adopt? Do we foster? Do we do another round of IVF? Do we get a hand maid (<— totally kidding)Do we spoil our nephews, and not pursue this any longer?….. I have no clue. I have no clue what is in store for us. But what I do know…. Is that God has us in his hands. He has a greater plan for us- and He will show us this plan in HIS time. Does this mean that I am not upset or disappointed…. No! It doesn’t mean that at all…. BUT– it does mean that I am NOT alone, and that God will ALWAYS show me the way.


5 years

10 medicated cycles

150 ovulation tests

50 OB appointments

A specialist

3 more medicated cycles

4 IUI’s

1 IVF

1 egg retrieval

11 eggs

8 mature

6 fertilized

2 made to blast and frozen

2 frozen embryo transfers

Multiple blood draws

More ultrasounds than is comfortable to say

More medications than I can count

75 pregnancy tests

4 miscarriages

More tears than I can count

More heartbreak than I can count

More than $20,000

=

GOD SAID NO

This is going to be a long one… so I want you to go ahead and get comfy… grab your coffee- maybe some Kleenex… and settle in for OUR story of God saying… NO

This whole story starts almost six years ago. We got married- decided to spend some time just the two of us, and then start a family. We had been married for 3 years, and my husband looked at me one day and said… “I think its time”. Of course, I agreed- and we got to it (no pun intended). I have a family history of fertility issues, so I knew that this was likely not going to be easy. We tried on our own for 2 years, and with no success decided we should seek help from my OBGYN. Several tests and procedures later- I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Basically- my hormones are all jacked up, and my body doesn’t know how to act like it should. Because of this- I was told that we were going to need some help getting pregnant. We started with a clomid cycle (an oral medication that encourages your body to ovulate). We did this for about 6 months- before we got pregnant! I was so excited. Before we were able to really let it sink in- that we were going to have a baby, I found out that we had had an early miscarriage. I was devastated- but willing to continue this journey… so we took 1 month off and got back to it.

Went back on clomid and did several more cycles of this before we found out that we were pregnant again!!

We were excited, but cautious because we had been through this before and it hadn’t turned out as we had hoped. I called the doctor, they did blood work and found out that this one was indeed a sticky one- and my numbers were doubling as expected! We had plans to go to the beach that weekend and were so excited. We stopped and got a baby name book on the way, and decided we were going to use this weekend to celebrate. I had told my sister- and she was so excited. I had big plans to tell my mom and step dad at my birthday dinner later that week. We had some shirts for my nephews and they walked in wearing them.  My mom’s face was priceless. It was that… excited but terrified look. 

The week went on, and I got together with my best friend. She had also been going through some fertility issues and had had a couple of miscarriages. We had met for breakfast, and I was so nervous to tell her that we were having a baby. But, I did…. And then she popped out her phone- and showed me her positive test as well! This was like a dream come true! Being pregnant with your best friend at the same time! We had due dates within 3 weeks of each other, and we were both cautiously optimistic. The next week both of us started having problems. She was at the doctor,and found out that they weren’t sure her pregnancy was viable… at the same time I was having some odd things happen as well, and had had more blood work drawn. This blood work showed- that we had lost our baby. We were both devastated. The doctor had called to tell me that my blood work wasn’t good- but to come in in a couple of days to get an ultrasound to see what needed to be done….. telling someone that you “might” have lost your baby- but come in in a couple days… just wasn’t working for me. My friend just happened to be at the doctor around the same time I had been given this news- and I text her… she called me and I was hysterical. I was still at work at this point in time…. I had gotten a hold of my husband but it was going to take a bit for him to get there to get me. My friend ended up showing up at my work, and driving me to the doctor. We were in the parking lot and I called and had planned to tell them SOMEBODY needed to see me today… because I couldn’t wait “a couple days”. The office was “at lunch” and I had an option to wait… or to talk to the person on call. Well…. I can tell you that I wasn’t in my right mind- and I clicked the button to talk to the person on call. Thankfully a sweet midwife called me back. She understood my distraught behavior, and told me to come in in 30 minutes, and she would see me herself. My best friend sat with me until my husband arrived. We cried more tears in that car, than I think either of us want to admit. We went into the appointment, had an ultrasound- and saw this sweet midwife. She showed me all of the pictures, and went on to say that we had indeed lost our baby. She told me what to expect and sent us home. The next few days were brutal….but my husband was with me through all of it and was so supportive.

After this, we took some time away from trying to have a baby. My heart needed to heal, as did my husbands and I was so bitter at God and everyone around me that I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was through this process that I got so angry- I stopped talking to God- and this went on for several months. Every time I would see a pregnancy announcement I would get even more angry. Every time I would see a baby in public- I would get angry. I was so mad at the world, because in my mind… if I couldn’t have a baby… no body else should be able to either. A few months later, something in my heart started to soften. I found out that out of our little circle of six friends- FOUR of us… had been suffering with some of the same issues for quite some time. We were just terrified to talk about it or tell anybody. It was through this- that I knew that God put us together for a reason. We were able to lean on each other, cry and complain to each other- and really feel supported in a situation when it felt like the rest of the world didn’t understand.

When we finally decided to start trying again, we went back to my OB and tried 2 more cycles with clomid. When those two cycles landed us without a baby in our arms…. We decided it was time to get a second opinion. My OB had been asking me if we wanted a second opinion for months- but I was too afraid to get one. A lot of people would look at me and make comments such as “well if you would loose some weight, this probably wouldn’t be a problem.” My OB never said this to me, and when I laid my heart out to her- and told her how terrified I was that the physician wouldn’t even see me… she said “that is NOT going to happen. I know there is a stereotype for people who are over weight, but what these people don’t understand is that is more than just weight. It’s a hormone imbalance, its something that you can’t do anything about. These specialists are used to seeing patients in your exact situation and they are going to know exactly what to say/do. If for some reason they are mean or rude about this… I will call them myself.”  I left that appointment excited for the first time in several months. I had agreed to get a second opinion- and we were on our way to the family we so desperately wanted.

We waited two months for the appointment with the specialist. I was terrified walking in the door that the doctor was just going to tell me that I was insane for even trying this and that he wasn’t going to help me. When I walked into the office- it started with a super nice nurse. She could tell that I was terrified, and she spent a little extra time with me and calmed me down a little. We walked into the doctors office and he was like a little grandpa…. He was so warm and inviting. I immediately felt at ease. He had looked through all of our records, and stated that he felt our problem was PCOS and potentially a male factor issue as well. We went through several more tests at the specialist and then it was recommended that we try another medicate cycle- but this time with letrozole (a newer medication that encourages the body to ovulate). We did this for 2 cycles- and had no luck. We then moved on to the “bigger guns” and started gonal F injections (an injection taken daily that assists with follicle growth). 

We did this for 2 more cycles- and then had another appointment with the MD.

 That anxiety that I had felt with the first appointment, came back ten fold with this appointment. Our previous little grandpa doctor had retired- and we were going to have to see someone different.  We walked in and again- the doctor was so inviting. Put my nerves at ease and helped me to really understand what was going on. He explained that my PCOS was more severe than they had originally thought- and he felt that our next option would be IUI (intrauterine insemination). He felt we would have success with this, and encouraged us to move forward. So- we did. And 4 cycles later- we were still right where we were before….. broken, empty, childless, and feeling inadequate.

We had another appointment with the doctor a few months later, where he said that after looking over some new tests they had completed- it seemed my PCOS was on the more severe side. He said that some people with PCOS were able to just get a little boost with some meds, and that was all they needed to start their family. However, some people had a really hard time- and we were one of those people. Throughout this hour long appointment, he drew pictures for us and explained everything down to a T. He explained that we had exhausted all of our other treatments options and he felt our next step would be for IVF.

This was a huge decision for us, mostly because it was a lot of money and we had not had any luck with prior treatments- so what was to say this would work too? So we took a little time, and we prayed about it. If you will notice… throughout the first part of this story- there was not a lot of praying, or looking to God. That was because- we thought we had it handled. Sure, we had “thought” that we were following God’s plan… but we had not specifically asked and prayed about this, we had just assumed that since things were working out in the right direction, without any major hiccups that this was the path he wanted us on. It wasn’t until this new plan was put in place that we decided to truly pray about it, and ensure this was what God has in place for us.

The biggest aspect was the money. We were looking at at least $13,000 out of pocket- and that was not something we just had laying around. Cody had been working on his SSD through the state for about 20 months- and it was also during this time that he was approved and we found out that he would be getting some back pay. This back pay- was almost the exact amount that we needed for our IVF. For us, that was a HUGE push in the right direction. I felt that God had given us these means and he was in this! So, we moved forward with IVF.

This started with some high powered medications that made me slightly crazy (if you as Cody, it was much more than slightly). We were told that people with PCOS often produce more eggs than those who not having enough was never on our list. The day before my egg retrieval- we were told that on ultrasound it showed I had 26 eggs.

They said to expect 1/3 of those to actually make it to freezing, so we were happy with that number. However- the next day at egg retrieval, we found out they were only able to get 11 eggs. This was less than half of what they had originally told us! When I was awoken from anesthesia and told that they only retrieved 11 eggs- I was once again broken and devastated. It took me a bit to realize that while 11 was a low number…. Even if 1/3 of those made it to be frozen we would still have 1-3 embryo’s to freeze. After some intense encouragement from my husband- I began to realize that this WOULD be ok. We ended up having 8 of the 11 eggs that were mature. Out of those 8- 6 of them fertilized. And out of those 6…. Only 2 made it to blasts to be frozen. No only did we only have 2, but they were “moderate quality”. One was definitely better than the other, and I was hopeful that at least one of these would make it!

Our first frozen embryo transfer was about six weeks later. This was a simple procedure,

and we were excited to have it done. However as most any woman who has had to endure the two week wait can tell you…. Those 2 weeks were torture. It is not abnormal for me to be an anxious person…. I have been known to stress and have intense anxiety over the simplest things. This two week wait, was torture- for both myself and my husband. There were days when I couldn’t leave my room because my anxiety was so high. I couldn’t do anything to make it better. The only thing I could do- was POAS (pee on a stick)- multiple times daily just to see what it said. I started a 3 days post transfer (which anybody who has been through this knows…. That this is WAY too early…. but there was no stopping me). I had also gotten onto these IVF support groups, and all of these people on their were telling me… “I got my positive on day 4!”, or “I got my positive on day 3”. So…. On day 3 when I had a stark negative test…. I was crushed. I continued this process daily (sometimes twice daily) for the next 2 weeks. On day 8- we got a very faint positive on our home test. I was cautiously optimistic… and continued to take tests day after day. It got darker the next day, and again the day after.

I was for sure this was it! Our little emby had stuck, and we were finally going to get our miracle. On day 11… when the 2nd line on our home test disappeared….. I was again devastated. I had to wait 2 more days for a blood test to confirm, and by that time I had already driven myself crazy.

I decided that I was going to go to work and wait on them to call me with the results from my blood test. When they called at about 11am…. And told me verbally that it was negative….. I was strong for about 2.5 seconds. And as soon as I got off the phone I lost it. I gathered myself together, texted my husband to tell him that the test was indeed negative…. And was going to get back to work. The first person that asked me if I was “ok”…. Was the first person who endured the wrath of my breakdown.

 Not long after that, I was escorted to my car by two of my really good friends… who cried in the parking lot with me, and told me it was going to be ok….I came home… went to bed and didn’t get up for about 48 hours. I was mad at myself, mad at the doctor, mad at God. I was mad at everyone. Nobody could say anything that was going to make it better.

For about the next- 3 months, I refused to go to church. I came up with excuses not to go. When I did go… I just sat there praying it would be over soon. I was so angry. I was mostly angry at God, because how could he continue to let this happen. Time and time again- how could he allow this to happen. Did he hate me so much…. That he wanted me to be barren my whole life? Had I disappointed him so much… that I didn’t deserve a child. If this God…. The God who is supposed to answer prayers- kept making me so miserable then I didn’t want anything to do with him.

After about 3 months- I deemed an end to my pity party. I decided that being angry at God was not really helping anything. I asked Cody if he would make a meeting with one of our assistant pastors and friends… because I needed to know WHY God was making my world so miserable. So we met at El Paso (because come on… where else in Hendo would you meet?)… and he listened to my woes, my anger- and he never once judged me. Instead…. He told me it was OK to be angry with God. It was OK to be in the dumps…. And it was OK to have the feelings I was having…. However…. It was not OK to not talk to God about it. I have to be honest here- when he said I needed to tell God how angry I was…. And how I didn’t understand why or how he was doing this to me…. I thought he was crazy. Like why would this almighty God- who already knows everything…. Need me to tell him I was angry with him.

I went home an contemplated this…. And decided… nothing else had been working so I was just going to have it out with God. I was going to tell exactly what I thought and felt, and I was going to see what happened. So- me and God had a come to Jesus meeting (ha…. No pun intended)….. And let me tell you something I Never thought would happen…. As soon as I started talking to God about all of this… he created a peace in my heart. I started wanting to go to church, and wanting to know this God who had made me so miserable for so long. So…. I picked up my big girl panties and decided I was going to do something about it.

It was about this time- that we also decided that we needed to transfer our 2nd embryo before my medication went out of date. I hated the idea of letting medicine go to waste- especially when we had paid so much for it- so after praying about it, my husband and I decided we would do our second embryo transfer in September. The cool think with embryo transfers, is that you can pretty much pick what day you want it done… so I had a long weekend off from work the weekend of my birthday and we decided, why not do it then? So we called the doctors office and scheduled our follow up to talk about our second embryo transfer.

More medications- except we had to track downthe fedex driver for these 

Going into this appointment I had a list of questions. I wanted to know what I had done wrong the first time, that made it not work. I wanted to know everything I could do to make it better this time. I wanted to take every precaution necessary because this was our LAST emby…. And if this didn’t work, we really weren’t sure what we would do. During this appointment… this doctor told me “you did absolutely nothing wrong before, and there is absolutely nothing you can do differently. We don’t know why these things happen- but everything looked and acted perfectly…. You did NOTHING wrong.” Hearing him say that…. Was a relief to my system. I needed to hear him say that. Anyone who has gone through any type of infertility- can probably attest to the fact that…. When it doesn’t work- you feel responsible. So having the physician tell me that it wasn’t my fault…. Was so helpful. He also told us that our second emby was a “moderate embryo”- meaning that it was graded slightly low, and had a less than optimal chance of actually working. He just wanted us to be prepared- but also stated that grading doesn’t mean much as he has had embryo’s that looked and graded worse turn out as perfectly healthy babies.

So- we left that appointment, paid our additional money for our second transfer- and got everything scheduled. At this point we had about 2 months until our next transfer. I had been consistent with talking to God daily- and reading a devotion daily- and was feeling so much better about this life I was living than I did before. I felt that God was telling me- that I needed to loose 20 lbs before this next embryo transfer- and it was about this same time that my husband said he had been feeling the same way. So- we went keto! And… we loved it. I dropped right at almost 20 lbs- and he had lost 15. We were feeling better about life in general and I was actually excited about this next transfer.

The weeks leading up to the next transfer- God placed SO many people in my life to lead and encourage me. I made a new friend- who listened to me and prayed with me and for me- and I am forever grateful for her. I also grew closer with an old friend- and started meeting her once weekly- working through a book on how God wanted us to be happy. Everything was lining up! I started a prayer journal- I felt SO close to God. I was crying out to God daily- and begging him to just help me get through this season. I read several things about how you are to pray SPECIFICALLY for what your needs and wants are, and God will answer those needs. So that’s what I began to do. I began to ask God specifically for a baby. Specifically that this embryo would grow and develop, and that God would grant me the desires of my heart. At this point in my life, I was also at a point where I knew I needed to be realistic. So I began asking God to prepare my heart for whatever plan he had in

place. I began asking him to give me a peace that only HE could give- and to please help me through this time. I felt God telling me, that I needed to get my friends to pray with me as well. So- I contacted my close circle of friends- and asked them to pray with and for me as well. It was their idea to get together the night before and pray about this little emby- and so that’s what I did. We got together and had dinner- and then they literally laid hands on me and prayed- they prayed that God would give us this baby, and that God would give me a peace, and that God would take my anxiety away, we prayed that God would make this embryo good quality, that he would have his hand in this and would improve the quality of the embryo. It was truly one of the best nights of my life, having my friends and God in one place at one time.

So, the next day we went in for our next transfer. Cody and I prayed before we got out of the car. Prayed that whatever God’s will- that he would make it happen- but that He would also prepare our heart and minds for whatever this plan may

be. We walked in, much more calm than the previous time- maybe it was because we knew what to expect….. but I know it was because God had his hand in this. I had done everything he had asked of me, and I knew he was going to give us our hearts desires- and if he didn’t I knew he would prepare our heart for the outcome. As soon as we met with the embryologist- she showed us the picture of our embryo, and I knew immediately that this embryo looked much better than the previous one. The embryologist told us “when this embryo was originally graded it was a 2BC- which is not that great. However, after it has been thawed- it has matured so much and it is now graded as a 2AA.”

Emby 1 and Emby 2

I looked at the lady in shock- she said “we don’t see this often, but it does happen.” I looked right at her, and I

said….. “you don’t know how much we have prayed for this”…. I just had tears in my eyes as she looked at me and said “well honey, your prayers worked!” We hadn’t even transferred our emby yet, and God was already answering our prayers!

After our emby was transferred, we spent the rest of that weekend just relaxing. I was so happy, because I was physically seeing God answer my prayers- and I was so excited for God to show me what was next in my life. Over the next two weeks, I continued to pray that God would prepare my heart and mind for whatever outcome he had. I had swore to myself I was going to wait at least 7 days before POAS. I can tell you that at day 5- I gave in and took a test (Hey…. That was better than day 3!)…. Every test I took during this two week wait…. Was negative. Not just negative… but STARK negative. Not even a squinter. Not only this…. 

But during this time, God started placing things in my path that told me to “still have hope in the dark”….. that “even during rough times, He is still there.”….. that “God remains sovereign even in the worst of times”…. That “He knows what he is doing, His plan is greater than mine, and He will always have me in his hands”….. Everything that God put in my life during these two weeks- was pointing me to a heart break.

 However, God was preparing my heart for that break. He was preparing me in advance for that anger that I had had for months in the past. He was preparing my heart, to know that even when God doesn’t answer our prayers…. Even when he says NO….. it doesn’t mean he has left us…. It doesn’t mean He has guided me astray…. It STILL means…. That he will leave the 99 to find ME.

So- today….. when I got the call…. That we had again lost this precious life as well….. I was upset, dissappointed and in tears…. But I can tell you what I am not….. I am not…. Lost, angry, anxious, worried, hopeless, distraught. I know that God is a way maker…. And a chain breaker… .and that HIS plan is far greater than what I had in mind.

So what do we do from here? Do we give up on having our own child? Do we adopt? Do we foster? Do we do another round of IVF? Do we get a hand maid (<— totally kidding)Do we spoil our nephews, and not pursue this any longer?….. I have no clue. I have no clue what is in store for us. But what I do know…. Is that God has us in his hands. He has a greater plan for us- and He will show us this plan in HIS time. Does this mean that I am not upset or disappointed…. No! It doesn’t mean that at all…. BUT– it does mean that I am NOT alone, and that God will ALWAYS show me the way.

2 thoughts on “And then… God said.. NO?!

  1. I am speechless. I cried, I smirked, I got angry, I felt every word you wrote. God and I have been at it. It took me a long time to finally understand what he was doing. Even longer to accept it. I know he has a plan for you. He is conditioning you for something…. You know that he takes his strongest soldiers through unimaginable tests. Stay in the receptive mode, keep that positive energy going, keep writing (you never know who you may touch), and most importantly… know that all those people around you and those that you continue to touch are rooting for you both.

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    1. Thank you so so much! This means the world to me! I battled for a while about writing our story, but when I decided to… God has allowed me to be apart of some really awesome things in other people’s life’s! It’s so common to struggle with God- and it’s not something he doesn’t expect! The main thing- is that we always know, that He is the one who will take care of us in the end! We won’t find our joy in anyone or anything else!

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