Have you ever gone your whole life thinking things would turn out one specific way…. and then they didn’t?
Have you ever thought that you had everything figured out… and then realized you didn’t?
Have you ever thought you were doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing… but then realized that you weren’t?
Have you ever put all of your energy into completing one specific goal… only to realize that maybe you were working towards the wrong one?
I can say… that personally…. I can answer YES to all of these questions. Now in a lot of circumstances, answering yes to all of these questions- may be upsetting, confusing, frustrating… and may make you want to give up on things all together! Over the past 2 months- I have had so many emotions go through my mind but there had become a common theme in all of my thoughts, prayers, actions…
I wanted what I wanted and was willing to do anything and everything to get what I thought I knew I wanted… and I wasn’t willing to compromise.
Did you get that there… there are A LOT of I’s in that sentence….. Sometimes I think when people get so caught up in their world- they think they are doing the right thing, but all in all…. they aren’t. That is where I found myself about 2 months ago.
I found myself, praying constantly- asking God to give me what I wanted…. and when I didn’t get it- I would get angry! It took a lot of soul searching to find the problem here…. and maybe you have already caught on… but the biggest problem was that…
I was telling God what to do!
I was telling Him what I needed!
I was trying to run the show!
…. and then I was getting angry at God for not doing what I told him to do. All in all… I needed a huge awakening…..
After our last failed IVF- I went through a time of anger and denial once again. The grief process is a butt kicker for sure- and I was so sick and tired of doing it! I had a friend meet me and say “Maybe you just need to take a break from all of the medical stuff”… and to me- I was so offended! I thought she was saying that I wasn’t good enough for a child- and that I just needed to give up! When in all reality… she could see that I was going down a long spiral of self destruction and needed a break! I am forever grateful for her! After we had a discussion about what she really meant by her statement- I began to understand how deep I had gotten into our infertility journey. Not only had I lost multiple babies- but I had also lost myself! I had lost myself in this journey….
Infertility had become an IDOL to me…… Instead of asking God to show me which way he wanted us to go… I was asking God to give me what I wanted. Instead of being open to ALL possibilities…. I was asking God to give me what I wanted…. instead of leaning on my husband and my family… infertility ran my life….
It became about the next treatment… the next shot… the next test…. the next everything…. and there wasn’t anybody who was going to change my mind. The minute someone mentioned that maybe… just maybe… this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be… I got so angry at them and put a wall up! I was pushing people out of my life- at the very moment- that I needed them the most. My husband and I weren’t really communicating (to be honest, I’m pretty sure he was scared to say anything to me in fear that I would go off the deep end)…. It became a true debbie downer!
So when my amazing friend… just sat me down… and said “I feel like God has been telling me… to tell you…. that you need to take a break! You need to look at other options… I don’t think this medical route is the way you need to go!”….. For some reason…. at that moment- I took what she said to heart. God opened my heart and mind to hear what she said and take it to heart.
So…. what did I do? I just quit cold turkey! I gave up on medical infertility treatments and instead decided I was just going to enjoy life. Do you know what happened when I did this….
- My husband and I began to communicate better and truly our love for each other grew exponentially!
- My family meant more to me than ever before
- I found myself almost lost at times- not knowing who I was without fertility treatments
- I was able to truly be happy for my friends who were expecting or who had kids
- I was able to understand myself more and find happiness in the real things in life
- My eyes…. were…. OPEN… for the first time in nearly 7 years!
But quite possibly the BIGGEST change…. was that God opened my eyes to the fact… that there is SO much more to life than fertility!
But even BIGGER than that… God opened my eyes to the fact that…. by giving this idol up to Him… I was NOT failing. It did not mean that I was a failure. It simply meant- that I was following what God wanted for my life.
Now- anyone who has been through infertility knows…. that when it doesn’t work… you feel like a failure. SO- for me to realize that this didn’t mean I was a failure- truly came from God and nothing or no one else!
So… instead of praying for God to answer MY prayers…
- I started asking God to show me what he wanted me to do.
- To show my husband and I exactly what we were destined to do and become in this life.
- Exactly what HE would have us to do!
- I prayed that God would help me with this addiction to fertility I had encountered- and for him to truly show me and my husband the path that he wanted us to take.
- Instead of asking God to OPEN doors for us… I started praying for him to CLOSE doors for us.
And I am here to tell you… that God gave me SUCH a peace. A peace that I truly have never had before…. but not only was he working on my heart… he was also working on my husbands heart. And I am here to tell you… that the past 2 months have been some of the best! We are truly relying on God and he has CLOSED some doors and OPENED some bigger ones!
SO….. when I say that we are SO excited for what 2019 brings…. I mean it from the bottom of my heart! We are SO excited for what God has in store for our lives!
But I do have one request….
Will you pray for us and with us? Will you pray that God would continue to show us His ways- and that we will rely on him and not what our own selfish desires are?
And please…. stay tuned….. because there is A LOT more where this came from!