So…. It’s been a while…. I bet you thought I forgot that I had promised myself I wouldn’t quit this blog. To be honest…. I have thought about it about a million times, and have just said to myself… “Eh… I’ll do it tomorrow”. Well, tomorrow has come and gone- and no blog was written. To be 100% honest…. I have been off kilter the past couple of weeks. When the door was first slammed on us earlier this month, I felt like I would be OK. I was going to be just fine…. I had been praying for God to help me through this… and I knew that he would! For the first week or so, I was good…. I was dealing…. I knew that this wasn’t the end of the road and that God would show us the right direction we needed to go…I just had to be patient and wait.
I call that… the honeymoon phase….
Then LIFE hit, and it hit HARD… and I got impatient…. As the weeks went on (4 to be exact) …. I have felt more and more distant and away from God. I kept asking God… WHY?! WHY have you abandoned me now?! Right when I need you… you have just POOF up and gone?! WHY!? I did everything you told me too… I read my bible, I got into your word, I wrote in my journal… God WHY?! Have you left me now!? God, I need you… I need you to help my aching heart and this sole crushing pain of having to watch everybody else in the world have babies, and not let ME?! God I needed you… WHERE did you GO?!…. These are all the thoughts that went through my head. I have been angry with God… AGAIN! I told myself I wouldn’t be angry… but I think that was a little presumptuous… I got angry and confused and again wondered WHY God had left me to suffer in this misery.
And that I call the…. Separation phase….
Because I can tell you one thing…. God didn’t go anywhere…. I did. And admitting that to myself is a hard pill to swallow. Instead of writing in my journal daily… I came up with excuses. Instead of reading my bible I would… make excuses. Instead of truly getting down to the reason that I felt separated from God…. I continued to separate myself. In the back of my mind- I know that I was thinking “Well he didn’t help me when I needed him…. What’s to say that he is going to help me now?”.
I can say that that thinking is what got me to where I am right now. I have felt like I had NO hope in my darkness… but in all reality… I had ALL the hope- I just had to learn how to apply it.
God has been talking to me in little bits…. whether that be through a friend saying… “How is your journaling going” … or through a song that says “Thy Will be Done” …. Or through a book that says, “The only way to have HOPE in the DARK is to continue to search and reach out to God in the bad times.”
Or the biggest one…. Through a pastor that says, “when you feel like you have no hope in the dark… you have to first have RAW honesty with God.” Those words truly spoke to me…. I had to realize that I honestly had to get RAW with God. I had to tell him how ANGRY I was, and how I didn’t understand WHY he would continually shut the door on us. I had to be totally and completely honest with him, tell him how my walk with Him had suffered because of my doubt and anger towards Him. It wasn’t until I was truly able to do this… AND mean it…. That I was able to deal with what was really going on in my life. I’m not going to tell you that everything is honkey dory in my life now…. I’m just going to say… that I know… starting with this supreme raw honesty has helped me to realize that GOD is not the one who moved…. I AM.
That is what I call…. The Reconciliation phase.
So, what is it that has you in the dark? What is it that has you feeling like you are just walking in circles with nowhere to go? What is it that’s keeping you from journaling? What is it that is keeping you from talking to your friends and family? Whatever it is…. That has you in the dark right now…. KNOW that the first step to finding HOPE in your DARKNESS…. Is getting RAWLY honest with God. Its not until then…. That healing can begin, and that darkness can become LIGHT!