There have been several situations in my life that I have had to learn to “take a pause”. To slow down. To calm down. To take a breather…. But this one…. is by far the most memorable…
I woke up on Sunday almost 3 years ago, not able to see much anything, and with the worst headache I have ever had. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t stop hurting, I couldn’t stop feeling like the world was caving in. We were able to get a hold of my MD on Sunday, where she gave us a concoction to basically sedate me until the next day when she could see me in her office. So, we did as she said and they sedated me until the next day.
I walked into the appointment the next day and expected to get some answers. I was tired of hurting, tired of not being able to see, just tired of the whole ordeal and was ready for things to be over. This appointment did not go as I had hoped it would. Instead of my MD giving me ways to try to get out of pain, or trying to figure out a reason as to why my vision was continuing to decline…we had the discussion no one likes from their MD. The… I think we need to work on your anxiety level and things will start to get better. In the particular state of mind that I was in at the time it felt to me like she was saying “you’re crazy, this is in your head, get your anxiety under control and things will miraculously get better”….. when in all reality….. she was saying “we need to wait this out and in the meantime we can work on some of your anxiety.”
Needless to say… I left that appointment feeling extremely alone and “crazy”. I got home, took some more medicine and went to sleep, refusing to talk to anyone, refusing to do anything, all I wanted to do was just sleep. If I was crazy and this was being brought on by myself, then I just needed to get rid of myself to get rid of the problem. This was the lowest of low points for me, and I just didn’t feel like I could deal anymore.
The next day, my husband had an appointment with his counselor, and convinced me to go with him. As much as I didn’t want to go anywhere or get out of the bed, after many tears I put some clothes on and got in the car. That…. I now know… while may have been a hard decision was one of the best ones I made throughout this entire ordeal.
When my husband went in to his appointment he found out there was someone there who was available to talk to me as well. I walked into the facility and met a precious lady who was able to speak with me. She had been in a similar situation, where she had lost some of her vision. She explained to me that God was with me through this entire situation. And that yes… while things were hard right now maybe he was just changing our new way of normal. She spoke exactly the words I needed to hear and when I left her office I felt like a little of the weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
The next day, I had an appointment with my eye doctor to check things out and see how they were improving. After many tests, some done more than once the conclusion was… things were MUCH worse. I couldn’t see much and what I could see was dwindling quickly. I left the office with the assurance that someone would call by days end with some kind of plan. Later in the day, we received the call we had been waiting on… they were sending me to another doctor to get another opinion because nothing they had been doing seemed to be working.
Later that day I got a call saying that this particular doctor was going out of town and would not be able to see me for almost 4 weeks…. again we were shot down. While wanting instant answers we were shot down and told we had to wait. The next day my eye doctor was able to call and speak directly to the referred MD and see if he was able to see me before he left to go out of town. If he couldn’t, we had options of waiting to see him when he came back, or being referred to Duke or Wake Forest for further evaluation. Again, another door was closed.
For some reason, right at this time I felt something telling me to wait. Not to make any decisions… not to jump the gun…. but to wait. At this point it was Thursday, and I felt like God was telling me to wait out the weekend, see what happens, and get everyone to pray for us to make the right decision. This is the first clear word from God that I had heard all week. It was clear as day, and I knew that we had to follow what he was telling us to do. As much as we didn’t want to wait, as much as we wanted answers and a plan NOW…. we couldn’t have it and we needed to just wait out the weekend. So…that’s what we decided to do.
We were risking a lot by doing this. We were risking permanent irrevocable damage being done to my eyes, even more than what was already possibly have. We were risking our entire lives changing on this one decision…. Wait until the end of the month to see this new doctor… or go to Wake or Duke to get another opinion and pay out of pocket. While that may not seem like much of a decision to some people, it was to us. But… we made the decision to follow what I felt God was telling me to do. To wait. I wasn’t sure why he wanted me to wait, I wasn’t sure what he had in mind…. but he had closed door after door on us all week… so now we were going to wait on him to tell us what to do.
So, we asked all our friends and family to pray with us. We asked for prayer for peace on a decision one way or another, prayer for my nerves to stay calm, prayer for our finances, prayer for just about everything. We weren’t sure what God had in mind for us, but we knew we just needed prayer. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who were willing to pray for us. Who were willing to stand in the valley with us and pray us through. I think for the first time that entire week, I was able to sleep peacefully that night.
The next day (this would be Friday), we had one doctors apt to go to in Asheville and we were going to come back home. So… as had become our new normal routine because I couldn’t see anything, my awesome hubby picked out my clothes, made sure my hair looked decent…. (I send a pic of my hair to my sister to make double sure it doesn’t look terrible… she tells me its flat on the left side scrunch it up some…. LOL….) And we head out the door.
We get to the appointment and are about to get out of the car when I get a phone call…. let’s just call this “THE phone call”. I answer and it is the physician’s office that I had been referred too… the one that couldn’t see me until the end of the month….the nurse goes on to say…. “The doctor just came out and asked what happened to that girl I asked you to call yesterday with an appointment. I told him I made you an appointment for when he returned to the office. He said… NO!! I need to see her TODAY!”….. I’m pretty sure I shed a tear or two listening to this conversation. So, needless to say she told us to come right over after the current appointment was done. She said “don’t stop for lunch, don’t stop for gas… come straight here!” So… that is what we did! I think one of my favorite moments of the entire day was the conversation had with my best friend. I told her “The decision has been made for us!! Were headed to the specialist”… and she writes back and says “IM CRYING!!! I was just literally praying for a clear answer for you.”
To make an even longer story a tad shorter- I will tell you that we got answers that day…. we found the source of my blindness, and were able to start a treatment immediately.
So, sure…. I may have some permanent damage, I may never be able to see like I used too…. I may have some other deficits…. BUT….. I can tell you with 100% certainty that none of this happened without God. Everything that happened that week was God ordained. Even down to my lowest of lows…. God had to put me there for me to realize that he was there, that I wasn’t alone. None of the things that occurred would have happened if we hadn’t listened to God and taken our “pause”. We wouldn’t have any answers even today, if we hadn’t had so many people standing with us praying for answers, praying for us, praying for my family, praying for healing, praying in general. So…. If you get nothing else out of our God ordained week…. I hope you get this…. God is real… God is here…. God loves you… God loves me…. Following HIS orders is not easy, but if you do… he WILL bless you immensely!