“Be Still and know that I am God”
It sounds so easy. It should be easy right? Jesus has already walked before me. He knows what my path is already. He knows the plans for my life. His love and mercy, peace and kindness will always follow me. So why…. Why…. Do I do anything but BE STILL? Why do I try to take matters into my own hands? Why do I let anxiety overfill my heart? Why do I panic? Why do I let FEAR overtake me? Why?… God so explicitly says…. Be Still…. For HE is God.
This past week did not turn out how I expected it. Friday was treatment day, and normally I can expect to feel pretty puny for a couple of days after treatment, and then I normally start to feel more normal. However, that was not the case this time around.
I did ok on Friday during the infusion. My standard procedure after infusion, is to continue to take Benadryl/Tylenol for 24 hours after due to some infusion reactions I typically have. I did this throughout Friday night/Saturday and felt “decent”. However, Sunday was a totally different story. I woke up, and I could hardly get out of the bed without falling over. I really wanted to go to church, so I pushed myself to get in the shower and get ready. By the time I got out of the shower, I really felt terrible. I had no energy whatsoever to move, and almost fell over in the shower twice. I was also nauseous and had some chills. All these things…are not normal for me after my treatment but, I got myself together and went to church because I felt that’s where I really needed to be.
When I got to church, I almost didn’t make it to my seat without passing out. I had some palpitations, and chills- and just felt terrible overall. I thought I was just being a wimp and was going to try to perk up- but every time I tried to stand up, I got SO dizzy, and couldn’t stay standing. We went home after church, and I took about a 3-hour nap. I thought I was just super tired, and maybe have overdone it by going to church. Not sure why I would have overdone it, as on a typical infusion weekend, going to church on Sunday likely wouldn’t have been a problem.
I got up from my nap, and thought I felt some better. Went outside to watch the nephews play in the yard and had to sit down due to dizziness and just fatigue. I just didn’t understand why I was feeling like this? My mom kept telling me I just needed to rest… that I was over doing it, and in hindsight she was right (as she normally is)… but I was not convinced! I was convinced that I was just being a wimp, and needed to keep going! We had dinner that evening, and by the time 8pm came around I couldn’t hold my eyes open- so figuring I needed the rest, I went to sleep.
Then came Monday…. And that is when the crap really hit the fan. I had a headache, was so dizzy, nauseous, chills… the whole shebang. I was supposed to work ½ a day that day but decided maybe I should take it easy so took the afternoon off.
…….First thing you should know about me…. is that I spent almost a year out of work due to my NMO. That was a super low point in my life. I felt like I had no purpose, and was no good to anyone. So now…. when I can’t work… that fear comes back. The fear of, oh my gosh…. will I ever work again? I know that may sound a little dramatic to some people, and others may LIVE for a day that they could never work again…. but coming from someone who didn’t get to make the decision not to work- but was instead told that she couldn’t work…. and would never go back to the kind of work she was once doing….. being out of work for even just a day is terrifying for me. ……
By about 1pm, I was miserable. I couldn’t stop shaking, I was nauseous, couldn’t even SIT up without getting super dizzy and starry eyed. I decided that maybe it was time to let my MD know.
…….Second thing you should know about me… I have a serious phobia of doctors. I know that sounds crazy being a nurse and a patient with a pretty serious chronic condition- but growing up, doctors tended to just tell me that I was crazy, or that there was nothing wrong with me, or that I just needed to loose some weight… so my trust of doctors tends to be at an all time low when it comes to dealing with myself. The ONLY doctor that I tend to trust is my neurologist, and that’s because she is the first person who ever legitimately listened to me and made me feel like she cared about me! …….
So when I say, that I thought it was time to let the MD know… don’t take that lightly- it means that I really thought something was wrong. It was also about this time, that I completely lost it on my husband. FEAR took over. I got terrified. The last time something went wrong, and I had to contact my neuro urgently, I ended up in the hospital. Actually… not just the last time, but every time before that. The absolute last thing that I needed or wanted was to be in the hospital.
So, making this phone call (or text, because she’s so awesome)- was a HUGE deal for me… and I was truly terrified. My amazing hubby (stay tuned for a blog on HIM, because he is literally the most amazing man and I couldn’t do life without him) …. calmed me down- like only he knew how. He encouraged me to pray. As he walked out the door to go and get me some ginger ale from the dollar store…. I literally was in awe of the man that he has become. He encouraged me to pray and reach out to God in a time when honestly…. I was so involved in myself that I hadn’t thought about stopping and praying…. About BEING STILL…. And KNOWING that God is God… and I am not!
You see… third fact that you may not know about me…. I spent the greater part of a year in and out of the hospital. From having tests, treatments, plasma exchange, steroids, more testing, therapy… whatever it may have been…. And those times were such a low part of my life. They were at a time in my life when I really didn’t want to live, and really didn’t think I could live any more.
My MD wrote my back quite quickly, pretty concerned about what had been going on and asking more questions. We wrote back and forth a few times and decided that the symptoms I was having was definitely worth some additional treatment and follow up. She called me in some oral steroids (every girl’s best friend… NOT) and said to take it easy and see her in her office first thing on Wednesday morning.
So- that was our plan… I took my first big dose of steroids yesterday… and was thankfully able to sleep (thank you Jesus and essential oils!). I woke up this morning, not feeling great- still with no energy, but could sit up without getting super dizzy. I had made a decision that I would make every effort to have lunch with my friend today, because let’s face it…. The more I sat on the couch, the crazier I was going to get, and the longer it was going to take me to get my energy back! So, while my head was still swimming- I was able to get up, take a bath, and get in a car ride to the restaurant and have a great lunch with a friend who has ALWAYS been there for me- no matter what was going on.
Fast forward to this afternoon- I am feeling some better. I can get up and walk around short distances, but if I stay up too long, I get those same feelings back again. I took my second dose of steroids tonight, and am confident this will help me to feel even better tomorrow. I see my doc in the AM- and then HOPEFULLY will go back to work tomorrow afternoon (If the good doctor lets me- fingers crossed).
Sometimes I forget…. Sometimes I forget that I have this nasty chronic disease and that I sometimes need to slow down and take it easy. My general personalty is not to worry about how I am, but to worry about how others are doing. I always try to make sure everyone around me feels supported, cared for, and loved. As much as I don’t like to admit it- God gave me this disease for a reason, I may never know why….. but He did…. And I need to try to remember to not think of it as a curse- but of a blessing to further his kingdom. While I would have MUCH rather have taken some time for me…. on a beach (preferably in Hawaii)- God didn’t have that plan in mind for me… 😉
So why am I telling you all of this…. why am I telling you my sob story of the past few days…..
Because sometimes, God does some crazy things to make you BE STILL. I had gotten so busy, so worn out, and so caught up in adoption fundraising, and adoption presentations, and life in general…. That I had let what really matter become number 2 and not number 1. So this afternoon- while talking with a friend…. I truly realized, that God has got all my fears in his hands, he has my best interest at the forefront of his mind always, even when I think I am drowning- his hand is always there to pick me up out of the water. Even when I am terrified, and panic sets in…. if I remember… to be still and KNOW…. That God is in control….
I just can’t even put into words how many chill bumps give those words give me….
I can’t even finish that sentence…. All I can say…. Is “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD!”
“I’m caught up in your presence. I just want to sit here at your feet. I’m caught up in this holy moment I never want to leave. I’m not here for pressing Jesus, Jesus you don’t owe me anything. More than anything that you can do, I just want YOU- NOTHING else will DO!”