The Dark

Do you ever have those times in life where the world just seems like its too much? When you have one thing after another coming at you, and you just don’t feel like you can take anything else? When you cry out to God, and feel like he isn’t hearing you?

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.

Psalm 77:1 (MSG) 

That is where I was the past couple of weeks. About 3 weeks ago, I went to the doctor for what was supposed to be something pretty routine, and instead ended up having an endometrial biopsy. I left the office that day with unknown certainty of what would happen next, and a medication to take for the next 28 days.

While awaiting the biopsy results I started taking the new medication, and within about 24 hours I could tell a huge difference in my mental state. Being someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety their whole life, I should have stopped taking the medication right then, and called the doctor- I didn’t because the physician had stressed the importance of taking this medication to the fullest. So, I continued to take it, and in the mean time only continued to worsen.

Image result for darkness

By about day 7…. I had become a recluse. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anybody. The only thing I wanted to do was the sit in my room, in the dark. It was hard for me to get out of the bed to go to work. It was hard for me to even take a shower. It was during this time, that I felt like the world was closing in on me. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I felt like if God was going to give us a baby, that He would have done it by now… and that I must not be good enough.  I felt like if God threw one more thing at me…. that I wouldn’t survive.

For those who have dealt with depression and have dealt with the repercussions of it… you know that I am not at all exaggerating. Upon realizing that I definitely had a problem, and that the most likely cause of this was the medications… I called my physician to tell them what was happening. The nurse stated she would speak to the doctor, and that she would call me back ASAP.

……. 3 whole days later……

she finally called me back and told me to stop taking the medication.  

Image result for womens depression

When you’re in a dark place…. 3 whole days is gruesome! That was 3 days for me to think the worst of the worst. 3 whole days for me to struggle with day to day life. 3 whole days of not knowing if I really wanted to wake up the next day. 3 whole days for me to KNOW…. that my God had me in his hands, but not really be able to feel it. It was a dark 3 days….

It took about 3-4 days after stopping the medication to really feel like I could come out of this. Through some great family, and friend support… and LOTS of coloring I can say that I did make it out of this dark time….. and for that I am eternally grateful.

So while I do have the biopsy results back, and they could be a lot worse….. this was truly a time that has shaken my soul. Shaken my faith and shaken what I thought I knew. If it weren’t for a persistent God, who never leaves or forsakes me…. I don’t know where I would be today.

I don’t say all of this to gain pity… I say it ensure you know that if your struggling, please reach out. I can’t tell you where I would have been if not for some amazing family and friends, and a great devotional book. Through this God showed me that even when we don’t feel it, He is always there. God had prepared each person who stepped in my path, way before I was in this situation. He had given them each words to say to me, that would get be through. Even when we feel like we are drowning and really don’t want to see tomorrow…. He is always there.

So today I can tell you several things:

  • Don’t forgot the people who are always there for you
  • God will provide, no matter what
  • You will make it through if you keep your eyes on Him
  • You WILL survive the next struggle that you are faced with
  • God WILL find our perfect baby, in HIS timing
Image result for Gods timing

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