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Conflicting Emotions

Its been a while… and it’s time to catch up!  The past few weeks for us have been crazy, but exciting at the same time! There have been lots of emotions going through our hearts and minds over the past weeks… some we expected, and some we didn’t!

I have to be 100% honest… when we matched with EM L (two months ago… What?!) … we had so many emotions in our head and hearts. We were and continue to be eternally grateful to this sweet woman who has selflessly decided to not only carry her baby to term, but to also trust us to raise her child.

 Just take a minute to let that sink in….

she has decided to let US… raise HER child!

That is so HUGE… there are no words for me to tell rr explain to her what that means to us.

I also felt so….. conflicted (and still continue to). Conflicted because I couldn’t understand why this woman felt we were worthy enough to raise her child! Conflicted because, this woman has made this decision and knows that although she will carry this child and feel it move inside her- she will not take it home with her or get to know it. Conflicted because I wanted to feel excited but was so skeptical and so unsure that this was really happening.

I had so many people ask me “Are you SO excited?” …. and that was such a hard thing for me to answer. Yes, I was excited…. But I always felt like I wasn’t excited to the extent they wanted me to be.  A lot of people would just look at us like, you’re finally getting the baby you wanted… why are you not ecstatic?!

 While yes… we are excited there are still so many ifs, , and buts about our situation. EM L can change her mind at any time… she can decide that she wants to parent this baby (which while it would be super hard on us, we would support her in that), she could decide she wants to choose a different family… this can happen at any point in time. Our hearts have been broken so many times in the past 8 years that I truly felt that I needed to keep the bubble wrap on my heart nice and tight.

EM L was in jail for the first month and a half of our match. During this time, we were able to write her letters but could not actually speak with her. Writing the first letter was super hard… how do you put into words how thankful you are without sounding desperate?  I was terrified that if I said the wrong thing, she would change her mind. The FEAR of her changing her mind was palpable, and still is today! It wasn’t until we went to meet EM L that my emotions and fears started to calm.

Meeting EM L was nerve racking to say the least! I was terrified that I wouldn’t be good enough. Terrified that she would have questions for us that we wouldn’t be able to answer. Terrified that my hair wouldn’t look good enough, or that I chose the wrong outfit.  Nervous that she wouldn’t show up. Nervous that I would say something dumb (<– because let’s face it… it was most likely going to happen). However, we were excited to finally meet the woman that had made this selfless decision to entrust us with her child!

Waiting at the restaurant for her, we sat in the car and prayed. Prayed that God would give us the words to say to her to adequately express our gratefulness. Prayed that God would ease the conversation, and make it feel natural. Prayed that God would calm our nerves and help us to not say the wrong thing….  (side note to say: we literally had a “things not to say” session with our BFFs the night before we left).  I can truly tell you that God showed up and out for us that day. I was literally shaking while waiting on her in the car, and as soon as she arrived- the nerves calmed instantly. The thought of that right now, just gives me chill bumps! The moment that she got out of the car and gave both Cody and I a hug and said how excited she was to meet us…. was the moment that things truly started to feel real. Sitting down to eat with her, our conversation flowed freely, and it really felt like we were just old friends getting reacquainted. There were no awkward moments, or weird conversation topics… God truly took control of the conversation and we were so grateful.

After lunch, we headed to see baby on ultrasound! I can honestly say….. seeing this sweet baby on ultrasound was something I cannot even explain to you. To know that we were looking and watching the baby that we had waited for for 8 years on the screen was insane! We watched for 30 minutes, while this little guy (that’s right we said GUY)…. Flipped and flopped around on the screen. He was so active, almost like he was trying to show out for us! That…. That was the moment it all became real. That was the moment I realized… that the baby on the screen was very likely going to be the one we will be meeting in just 3 short months. This baby… this perfect blessing from God….was the one we had waited on for so long! That moment…… I just cannot explain it!

So many other things happened during our visit that really confirmed to us that God was in this! I wish I could explain and go into detail about everything that happened that weekend, but there are not enough words pages to be able to describe!

So, what’s next? Now we prepare for baby Cason Lane to make his arrival! We continue to have conversations with EM L, and continue to get to know her and love her. We continue to show her the love that we will give her child, as well as the love of Jesus. We continue to pray for her and for baby Cason to have a safe and healthy arrival, and that EM L feels supported during this time because while this is an exciting time for us…. the thought of us finding joy in this woman’s sadness- makes my heart hurt something fierce!

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